Time to go see the eye doctor again, my glasses are broke. Since getting contacts last year, I’ve gotten into a routine of pretty much just wearing them when I work. Usually, by the time I get home my eyes have had enough and I switch to my glasses for the evening. Now they are broken beyond repair and I find myself currently in agony with dried up contacts in for the last 12 hours. I can feel my eyelids scraping against them. Suffer I shall, because it’s either this or not being able to see!
May 11, 2006
May 8, 2006
Is that Rain?
I’ve been on this planet for almost four decades. One accumulates quite a bit of “life experience” is such a time span. I’ve always preferred people to be direct with me, just tell me what is on your mind, don’t beat around the bush. I’ll deal with it, I promise. One of my biggest peeves, and pardon the crude pun here, is do not “Piss in my face, then try to convince me it’s raining”.
Each year, I get a letter from my employer attempting to “sugar coat” the premium increase for health insurance. It’s really insulting to my intelligence. To read the letter, one would think they are doing me a favor! “We’ve added this benefit and that benefit (which you’ll never use), oh and by the way, you have to pay 30% more this year”. I don’t want to hear their physco-babble nonsense. If the letter was written something like this… “Dear subscriber, unless you are a complete moron and haven’t been watching a lick of news for the past few years, you already realize that health care costs have been spiraling out of control. We as a corporation, are not willing to eat into our profit margin and absorb these costs for you. Effective immediately a 30% increase will go into effect.” You see, I could respect something like that. At least I would know exactly where I stand.
Another of my favorites came from when I was in Management. Each year, when annual increases were due, they would send me a “compensation letter” detailing how much money I made. I’ve always thought a Salary was pretty cut and dry, but to hear them “spin” reality, I actually made twice as much as my paycheck reflected due to all the benefits the company provides.
Politicians are also famous for this. John Kerry cracked me up when he was running for the Presidency. The man had a life-long record of being a far left, socially liberal, anti-war activist and he and his team tried to peddle the line that he was going to “kick ass and take names” in the war on terror. And I won’t leave out Bush either, let’s not forget his famous landing on the Aircraft Carrier with the banner unfurled in the background stating “Mission Accomplished”. It’s been a couple of years since that incident and American’s are still arriving home in body-bags. Oh, or how about the famous line “I’m a uniter, not a divider. That worked out real well, huh?
Some of you may be old enough to remember when Michael Dukakis was running for President. The man was actually doing very well in that particular election until one of his people decided the polls showed America thought him soft on defense. They dress him up all G.I. Joe and snap this photo of him in a tank. Back then, American’s were smart enough to see right through this kind of B.S. and summarily slapped him down like an obnoxious school boy. The photograph is widely considered to be one of the worse public relations disasters in know history!
So anyhoo, this whole rant I’m on is leading up to this story I just came across. Read it then tell me if you’ve ever come across such a silly piece of nonsense in your entire life. And also, please take note that they are presenting this information almost as if it were fact and “dressing it up” with lots of big words and scientific terms to make it sound plausible.
May 7, 2006
Juggling
Check out the movies on This Site.
This fella takes the art of Juggling to a whole new level. Now that I’m past my youthful stage of clubbing, bars & parties… this kind of show might be an ideal evening of entertainment. Of course, I’ve always wanted to actually go out and see the Phantom of the Opera production. Does this sound “Cheesy” to you? Wendy and I used to talk about this BC (Before Children). We would check the schedule to see when the play was coming to a place within driving distance. Our fantasy was to get some tickets, reserve one of those fancy Hotel suites with an in-room Jacuzzi, bring a couple bottles of champagne, and have a “Just me and you†evening. Then along came the children and it’s looking more and more like by the time they are grown and we are again free, this kind of evening might involve Metamucil and Depends undergarments. Such is life.
May 5, 2006
Pajama Idiot
A true story which happened the other night. I’m at my store it’s just a few minutes until closing time. It has been quite the routine night, nothing out of the usual. I’ve announced the closing on the intercom and I’m ushering the last of the customers from the store. The doors are locked and I take a quick walk across the front lobby looking down each aisle to make sure everyone has gone. It’s been a long day, I want to go home!
I notice that there are still two young girls in the store… maybe 18 or 19 years old. One of them is wearing pajama bottoms, what’s up with that? Is it now fashionable to coordinate pajama bottoms with a blouse and hit the town? Anyhoo, they are just having a good old time shopping away, chatting it up. I get on the intercom again and announce the store is closed, and ask politely to please make final selections and bring them to the front checkout. Do they heed my request? Absolutely not, I can still hear them back there “Hee-Hawing” as if they don’t have a care in the world. I wait a couple more minutes and decide I need to go see what they are doing. I head up into the office and I can see them through the security mirror. They are really pissing me off because not only are they making me stay late, they are making a mess. Just picking stuff up, looking at it, and tossing it to the floor, taking hosiery out of the package & leaving them to dangle on the rack.
About now, my blood is starting to boil and I’m contemplating whether I should just turn the lights off and tell them they have to go and then I notice the Pajama idiot kneel down on the floor and do the classic “look both ways” and sure enough, she starts loading her purse with stuff. Now I’m way past boiling blood and into a full eruption! I run down the stairs and walk straight up to them and looked her dead in the eyes…
Mike: “Give me the Stuff”.
Pajama Idiot: “What stuff”?
Mike: “Stop being stupid, I saw you”.
Pajama Idiot: “Saw me what”?
Mike: “I don’t have time for this crap, open your purse”.
Pajama Idiot: “Ok, I’ll give you the stuff back”.
(At this point, she empties all the stuff she stole onto the floor)
Mike: “Now both of you get out of my store. Don’t ever come back. If I catch you again, I’ll send you out of here in hand-cuffs, understand”?
Pajama Idiot: (Looks up to the ceiling) “yeah… Man, ya’ll got some serious surveillance in here, I thought I was pretty slick about that”.
Mike: “Yeah, slicker than snot on a doorknob, only two people in the store 15 minutes after it closed knowing the whole crew is watching for you to LEAVE so they can go home. Now GET OUT”!
May 3, 2006
Where Is My Child?
Wendy is a very light sleeper. She hears every noise so the house has to be perfectly tranquil and calm for her to get to sleep. I on the other hand could fall asleep in the middle of a raucous party and be dead to the world, doesn’t bother me at all.
The other night my dog CheeWee was having a bad time and was up at 2am having a “Hack-Attack”. Wendy finally grew tired of it and relocated her sleeping quarters to the couch and left the dog in the room with me to hack away. The next morning Wendy and I awoke at around 7am, steeped our cups of double chai tea, and had just settled in to check email when Timothy came into the office and asked… “Where is Mark? I can’t find him, he’s not in his bed or your bed”.
I looked over to Wendy and said… “Yes, where is Markie? He’s usually the first one up”! So we ‘re out of our chairs and searching the house. We checked the beds, we checked the couch & bathrooms. About now, panic starts to set in. Where the *!@*# is my 6 yr old child? We double check the beds and start opening closets, looking in corners. By now, our hearts are doing the Conga and both Wendy and I start yelling his name… MARK!!! WHERE ARE YOU??? MARKIE??? Terrible, horrible thoughts start to creep into my mind. Did he wonder out of the house in the middle of the night? Is he in the woods? Did some pervert sneak in and take him?
I’m seconds away from picking up the phone to dial 911 when Wendy finds him wedged between the couch cushions. He had snuck there in the middle of the night to be with his mommy and somehow slithered on down into the crevice between the seat and back cushions. He was snoozing away, we could barely see him!
To any parent out there who has not experienced a brief or extended moment where your child is unaccounted for: All I can tell you is that there are no words in the English Language of which I’m aware that can adequately describe the feeling of mass panic that ensues.
May 2, 2006
Pool Fence
The Fence got put in around the pool the other day and I must say that we are very pleased with the look of it. It’s actually a maintenance free aluminum but does it not have the appearance of the more expensive stuff? Last night we drained the pool and today the final inspection cleared and they cleaned the muck from it and filled it back up. The filter is actually running! Won’t be long now!
May 1, 2006
Extreme Rednecks
This email just in from Phyllis…
You’re An EXTREME Redneck When…..
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And Finally:
An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”. The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn’t want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
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The Hypocrisy Of Our Morals
So I turn on the television the other day and there is this show dedicated to three Playboy Playmates who are living at Hugh Heffner’s mansion. They spend their days romping around the estate in the lap of luxury waiting with giddy anticipation for their turn with the 80 year old tycoon. America cheers!! You go “Hef”! Such a “Stud-Muffin”! even at that ripe old age.
I’m working the remote control again and come across a documentary about a Mormon guy in Utah who has three wives. Everyone seems quite content with their arrangement. They are well spoken, educated, discreet and modest. America thumbs their nose! “Bigamy” how disgusting! Laws are enacted to deter such perversion.
Tired of the tube, I grab an old magazine and there’s the Guess Jeans Model Anna Nicole Smith who married a Texas oil man old enough to be her Great Grandfather. He shortly “kicks the bucket” and she’s in Court with his family fighting over the Millions. America scorns her! What a “Gold Digging Strumpet”!
I’m back to the news and apparently, a twenty seven year old “Supermodel School Teacher” is arrested for having sex with a 13 year old student. She goes to jail for 6 months, upon release, she contacts the youngster on the Internet & Sends him provocative pictures and videos. The female half of America is appalled! Lock her up and throw away the key. The male half of America is wanting to have an award ceremony for the boy and present him with a medal!
Can anyone other than me spot the double standards here?
Arizona Rain
I lived in Southern Arizona for the best part of my first 20 years. While I can now say that I much prefer the East Coast with the four seasons & lush greenery, pictures like this bring back some fond memories. The desert has a beauty all its own and one learns to appreciate this in its absence. Each and every day the sun sets and paints a spectacular view across the sky. Since there is very little humidity in the air, one can see much greater distances with crisp clarity. Perhaps my most vivid memory of the desert is the Monsoon season. For just a month or two of each year, small yet powerful storms sweep across the land. What makes these events so unique is being able to see them from a distance. One can actually see the rain falling 20+ miles away. Bolts of lightning spider from the thunderhead while the torrent of rain can be seen dropping from the clouds like windswept wisps against the horizon. All the while, the storm creeps closer, the air around you chills & takes on a clean renewed smell. Yes, I do miss that. Maybe I’ll go back one day, but just for a visit! 
April 29, 2006
Nerd Speak
The Internet has developed its own “lingo” full of acronyms and ASCI-art. I got a chuckle when I came across this but maybe some of you will have a more difficult time translating. Have fun!