How fast can you type your ABC’s? Here is a neat little online test I found to determine just that. I took a couple of half-hearted tries and came up with the high score at the right. Can anyone beat it? It’s like 5 letters per second!

This is something my Mom would enjoy as she recently took up learning to type with Mavis Beacon. I recall vividly learning to type. Wendy and I took a course together in college while we were still dating. Back then it was thinking each letter then getting your fingers to perform each stroke accordingly. Now I type so frequently that I simply think the words and my fingers make it happen without much concentration.

Three women, one German, one Japanese and a Redneck were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. “That was my pager”, she said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her hand to her ear. When she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.”

The Redneck woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.

She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging out of her butt crack.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The Redneck woman finally said, “Well, will you look at that… I’m getting a fax!”

Wendy sent me this little snippet which I found funny for the humor in it as well as another topic. Working in Retail as I do, I have to endure the constant muttering of customers who feel we are displaying a particular Season too early. It’s mid October and I’m setting Christmas merchandise on the shelves while a constant stream of patrons file by in disbelief. Comments like “Christmas already? It’s not even Halloween yet!” Then, when they think I’m not looking, they sneak a box of chocolate covered cherries & a bag of red and green Hershey’s Kisses into their basket. I chuckle and think to myself… “this is why we put the Christmas stuff out early, because no matter how much you want to deny it, you just can’t resist it!”

Anyhoo, the credit for this goes to Lisa Barker of JellyMom.com (I hope I got that right)

‘Twas The Night Before Halloween
Lisa Barker

‘Twas the night before Halloween and all through the place not a candy was left how could Momma save face?

The kids were all tucked in their beds one through six while Momma was meeting her chocolate fix. The Hersheys were gone, the Snickers were, too, even the eyeballs with caramel goo. Wrappers and boxes and baggies galore littered the kitchen, the table and floor.

When what to Mom’s wandering eyes should appear but the floating Great Pumpkin with a glowering sneer.
Shrieking in fright to her bed she did fly begging forgiveness for each pumpkin pie.

But the scene was a farce and not really real - the result of a sugar high and not the real deal. Still, the kids, now awake, cried out in shock when they discovered the candy bowl empty of stock.

“Hey, Mother, what gives? Where’s the candy galore?
To the store you must go and get us some more!”

But none of the shops carried such folly. Instead they were decked with red bows and green holly.

“Christmas already? But it’s still October!”

“We’re sorry ma’am, trick-or-treating is over.”

“Oh, you can’t mean that!” mom cried, and looked hurt.as she throttled the clerk by the front of his shirt. “My kids are at home and they’re counting on me! Surely you must have some spooky candy!”

“Sorry again, ma’am, it really is true. In just a few weeks it’ll be Easter anew.”

Sometimes it happens, that a mom goes berserk. It could be at home or at church or at work. The pressures of life begin to take toll and Mom will assume an insane kind of role.

It happened that night, folks say in hushed whispers, when Momma took hostages while still in her slippers.
“I want candy for goblins and I want it now! Bring me lollies and taffy and bags of brown cows!”

Even the cops couldn’t reason with Mum and they had to call Papa who came on the run. “Mother, dear Mother, please try to calm down. There’s plenty of candy all over town. Why, just as we speak the neighbors prepare to hand out some treats or a hearty good scare!”

“That’s right!” said dear Mom, “How could I have forgotten? There’ll be plenty of candy to make their teeth rotten. I just can’t explain it; can’t understand why. I’d completely forgotten the night that draws nigh.”

“Maybe you need to lay off the sweets. Let the kids get dressed up and do tricks or treats.”

Mom nodded dumbly and said with a frown, “I guess I’ve been foolish all over town. I just needed chocolate to help me keep calm, so hopefully we’ll forget this by the time it turns dawn.”

The town folks all said that they definitely did.
They couldn’t recall that mom just flipped her lid.
Well, who could blame her, who’d even dare? Look at the kids that are in her good care. Sometimes they’re sweet and a joy to behold, but sometimes don’t do what they’ve simply been told.

It’s not easy on Mom, it’s not easy on Dad, to not go berserk with the blessings they’ve had. So maybe we all should-one night in October-allow moms and dads to hand sanity over. Let them go nuts; let them go wild.
Remember it’s all for the sake of a child.

Why We Love Children

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,”explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later ….”Da-ad….” “What?” “I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?” “No, You had your chance. Lights out.” Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..” “WHAT?” “I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??” “I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!” Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..” “WHAT!” “When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?” The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.” A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?” The little girl replied directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bi@tch to iron.”

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?”

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bi@tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bi@tch is nine….” His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?” The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bi@tch is four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shi@t! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

10 A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.

Stephanie sent me this pix and I just had to blog it. I’m not sure if it’s for real or maybe folks with a sense of humor “staged” it. In any event, there are a lot of characteristics one can associate with the “Redneck” culture. Let’s see who can point out the most Redneck stereotypes. 10 NightOwl points to the winner.

I’ve never been a huge fan of having a cat as a pet. I prefer a small dog myself. I was browsing through a slew of cute animal pix my Sister sent and this one definately caught my attention. These cats are getting milk “Straight from the Tap”.

How could you not like that?

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Here is a little “quip” I enjoyed which was forwarded to me by Polly.

Subject: oil
A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil
shortage here in our country.

~~~ Well, there’s a very simple answer. ~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~ We just didn’t know we were getting low. ~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical.

~~~ Our OIL is located in ~~~ ALASKA ~~~ California ~~~Coastal Florida~~~Coastal Louisiana~~~Kansas~~~ Oklahoma~~~Pennsylvania~~~Wyoming and Texas ~~~

~~~ Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC.
Any Questions?

With Christmas fast approaching, it’s not only the retailer’s who are gearing up for the season. It seems I can’t go to my mailbox these days without extracting ten pounds of catalogs, flyers and offers for a low interest rate refinance on my mortgage.

Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy browsing through the LL Bean and Plow & Hearth fall editions as much as the next fella but some of this nonsense, I have no clue how they got my address. So here’s a spiteful yet creative idea to reduce that volume of unwanted mail!

Click Here

Look at this cute little dragon I made! Phyllis sent me the link and I printed him, cut & folded him.

Now this is not just any ordinary dragon, he’s special. His head is folded in a concave manner which produces quite an amazing optical illusion.

Check out the link, it even has a video that demonstrates the trick this fella can do when assembled correctly!

Dragon Link