Wendy is a very light sleeper. She hears every noise so the house has to be perfectly tranquil and calm for her to get to sleep. I on the other hand could fall asleep in the middle of a raucous party and be dead to the world, doesn’t bother me at all.

The other night my dog CheeWee was having a bad time and was up at 2am having a “Hack-Attack”. Wendy finally grew tired of it and relocated her sleeping quarters to the couch and left the dog in the room with me to hack away. The next morning Wendy and I awoke at around 7am, steeped our cups of double chai tea, and had just settled in to check email when Timothy came into the office and asked… “Where is Mark? I can’t find him, he’s not in his bed or your bed”.

I looked over to Wendy and said… “Yes, where is Markie? He’s usually the first one up”! So we ‘re out of our chairs and searching the house. We checked the beds, we checked the couch & bathrooms. About now, panic starts to set in. Where the *!@*# is my 6 yr old child? We double check the beds and start opening closets, looking in corners. By now, our hearts are doing the Conga and both Wendy and I start yelling his name… MARK!!! WHERE ARE YOU??? MARKIE??? Terrible, horrible thoughts start to creep into my mind. Did he wonder out of the house in the middle of the night? Is he in the woods? Did some pervert sneak in and take him?

I’m seconds away from picking up the phone to dial 911 when Wendy finds him wedged between the couch cushions. He had snuck there in the middle of the night to be with his mommy and somehow slithered on down into the crevice between the seat and back cushions. He was snoozing away, we could barely see him!

To any parent out there who has not experienced a brief or extended moment where your child is unaccounted for: All I can tell you is that there are no words in the English Language of which I’m aware that can adequately describe the feeling of mass panic that ensues.

The Fence got put in around the pool the other day and I must say that we are very pleased with the look of it. It’s actually a maintenance free aluminum but does it not have the appearance of the more expensive stuff? Last night we drained the pool and today the final inspection cleared and they cleaned the muck from it and filled it back up. The filter is actually running! Won’t be long now!

This email just in from Phyllis…

You’re An EXTREME Redneck When…..

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And Finally:

An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”. The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn’t want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

So I turn on the television the other day and there is this show dedicated to three Playboy Playmates who are living at Hugh Heffner’s mansion. They spend their days romping around the estate in the lap of luxury waiting with giddy anticipation for their turn with the 80 year old tycoon. America cheers!! You go “Hef”! Such a “Stud-Muffin”! even at that ripe old age.

I’m working the remote control again and come across a documentary about a Mormon guy in Utah who has three wives. Everyone seems quite content with their arrangement. They are well spoken, educated, discreet and modest. America thumbs their nose! “Bigamy” how disgusting! Laws are enacted to deter such perversion.

Tired of the tube, I grab an old magazine and there’s the Guess Jeans Model Anna Nicole Smith who married a Texas oil man old enough to be her Great Grandfather. He shortly “kicks the bucket” and she’s in Court with his family fighting over the Millions. America scorns her! What a “Gold Digging Strumpet”!

I’m back to the news and apparently, a twenty seven year old “Supermodel School Teacher” is arrested for having sex with a 13 year old student. She goes to jail for 6 months, upon release, she contacts the youngster on the Internet & Sends him provocative pictures and videos. The female half of America is appalled! Lock her up and throw away the key. The male half of America is wanting to have an award ceremony for the boy and present him with a medal!

Can anyone other than me spot the double standards here?

I lived in Southern Arizona for the best part of my first 20 years. While I can now say that I much prefer the East Coast with the four seasons & lush greenery, pictures like this bring back some fond memories. The desert has a beauty all its own and one learns to appreciate this in its absence. Each and every day the sun sets and paints a spectacular view across the sky. Since there is very little humidity in the air, one can see much greater distances with crisp clarity. Perhaps my most vivid memory of the desert is the Monsoon season. For just a month or two of each year, small yet powerful storms sweep across the land. What makes these events so unique is being able to see them from a distance. One can actually see the rain falling 20+ miles away. Bolts of lightning spider from the thunderhead while the torrent of rain can be seen dropping from the clouds like windswept wisps against the horizon. All the while, the storm creeps closer, the air around you chills & takes on a clean renewed smell. Yes, I do miss that. Maybe I’ll go back one day, but just for a visit!